If someone else wrote Twilight...

[curiouswombat]

gailcarriger posted a link to this article entitled If Famous Writers Had Written Twilight where a blogger, her husband, and a writer friend consider what might have happened if other (read 'better') writers had undertaken to tell Bella, Edward and Jacob's story.

After we laughed over that list (James Joyce was my favourite), S2C and I would like to add a few more of our own, too:


Shakespeare’s Twilight and Cressida – in Verona, the love-life of star-crossed lovers Edward and Bella is complicated by Edward’s identical twin Jacob.

Piers Anthony - Edward and Jacob fall in love with Bella after seeing her panties. Puns ensue.

Tom Clancy – the story takes place in Washington DC, not Washington State, Bella is a presidential speech writer, Jacob & Edward are respectively a marine and a soldier in an armoured regiment, serving in the US forces invading Italy as part of Operation Breaking Dawn, communication with Bella is restricted to letters home sandwiched between hundreds of pages of loving descriptions of military hardware.

Terry Pratchett
Bella loves Edward but he loses interest in her when he becomes the president of the League of Black Ribboners, her fall-back love-interest, Jacob, loses all interest in Bella when he meets Sergeant Angua of the Ankh-Morpork Watch. Bella flees to remote Lancre where Granny Weatherwax give her a severe talking to, encouraging her to become an independent and self-sufficient young lady.

Edward Bulwer-Lytton – it was a dark and stormy twilight…

Feel free to join in, repost or whatever!

Comments

[spiced-wine.livejournal.com]

Oh, Pratchett should definitely have written it! Bella needs a good talking to from Granny Weatherwax! :D

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

And if the talking to didn't work Nanny and Agnes would have sorted her out in their own fashion...

[spiced-wine.livejournal.com]

Nanny and Agnes would have sorted her out in their own fashion...

They would have! :D

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

My pleasure! I really want to read some of these!

[elisi]

I want the Virginia Wolf one... *pines*

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

Ah well - I guess the only answer is to write it yourself... :P

[makd.livejournal.com]

:-)

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

They would, mostly, be real improvements!

[slaymesoftly.livejournal.com]

Hee! This was great fun.

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

The original blog post had me laughing so hard by James Joyce that I couldn't speak coherently.

[myrhiann.livejournal.com]

What an interesting flight of thought!

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

And don't all those ideas sound more fun than the original?

[myrhiann.livejournal.com]

Absolutely!

[alwaysjbj.livejournal.com]

Having never read any of the books or seen the movies, I couldn't go into any detail, but my crazy brain jumped straight to wondering how Dr Seuss would handle it. LOL

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

Probably better than the original.

And how about Enid Blyton? The three of them would form a secret society, have a den in the woods, and smuggle biscuits and pop out of the house to have during their meetings. They would be on a secret quest to cure Edward's sparkle because he was fed up with girls thinking he was a fairy.

[rainne]

Do you like this vampire, dear?
Do you like this vampire here?
He sparkles when he's in the sun
He sparkles now for everyone.

That's... all I got.

[zanthinegirl.livejournal.com]

Those are pretty much all better that the original! I can't decide if I like the Tom Clancy or the Terry Pratchett best though...

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

Thank you! The Terry Pratchett version would be shorter and funnier!

[ayinhara.livejournal.com]

My favorite is the Piers Anthony idea.

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

Thank you - actually thank you on S2C's behalf as he came up with that one!

[modillian.livejournal.com]

Hiya, you've been metaquoted (http://metaquotes.livejournal.com/7568184.html). :P

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

Oh yay! What fun! I am so proud - I've never been metaquoted before - although, to be honest, S2C did half the thinking!

[deborahw37.livejournal.com]

Lol!

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

Our pleasure!

[miso-no-tsuki.livejournal.com]

I loffs your icon!

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

It's called 'Wileys non sequitor penguin' and was made by moonchilde - I found it somewhere about five or six years ago do feel free to snag it!

[ffutures.livejournal.com]

Peter F Hamilton's version is substantially the same as the original books but three times as long and involves several fairly pointless space battles

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

Oh - and George RR Martin - Bella is having an affair with her brother Edward, then meets Jacob - they all die - this takes 750 pages.

[spikereader.livejournal.com]

But what colour were Bella's panties?

Haven't time to check out the original link at the moment, but will definitely be back. Love your and S2C's ideas.

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

Hmm - do you think Bella's panties would be a virginal white, a goth black, or Barbie pink?

[pondhopper.livejournal.com]

This is hilarious! I love the Shakespearean version.
LOL

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

Thank you - I was rather proud of that one!

[kortirion.livejournal.com]

Of course you could go for Freud's multi-volume analysis whereby Bella, Edward and Jacob take turns playing the roles of Id, Ego and Super-ego, while recounting their dreams. Bella eventually demands to be spanked with a wooden paddle by Jacob, and Edward watches, wishing he too could be that manly and primeval... asking to be spanked that is!

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

It could still be better than the original, I think...

Weatherwax for the win!

[miso-no-tsuki.livejournal.com]

Bella could probably do with a bit of head-ology! I wonder how Edward and Lady Margoletta would get on? "Vun day at a time..."

What a wonderful idea. I've never read any of the Twilight Saga after my (then)18 yr old daughter said she had read a sample chapter on the web and it was "Worse than the average fanfic Mary Sue written by a 12 year old. (pause) A retarded 12 year old.!"
Makes you proud to be a parent! Hee.

Re: Weatherwax for the win!

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

I have to admit that a) I've never read any of it either, I just know stuff by repute, but b) my otherwise intelligent daughter has actually gone, voluntarily, to see the films and, I think, has even read the books. She's a good girl otherwise - honestly!